Facebook Status – November 19, 2013 at 10:02AM

Polly Macomber said I should share 13 things you definitely didn’t know about me.

1) As a child I was a banjo prodigy. When I was fourteen I taught Steve Martin my signature frailing technique so he wouldn’t get cramps in his wrist anymore. He was so excited that he promised he would thank me on the Tonight Show, but he did the now famous “I have to leave” gag instead. I was so heartbroken by the snub that I’ve never touched a banjo since and “Foggy Mountain Breakdown” still makes me weep openly.

2) I can fit seven standard marbles up my right nostril, but only three up the left. Extensive X-rays, CAT scans and MRIs have failed to reveal a reason for this imbalance in sinus storage ability.

3) I was the Boy Scout who punched Tony Randall’s arm in the opening sequence of The Odd Couple. I got paid scale, no residuals. 🙁

4) I can’t get into a bed at night without first circling around it three times.

5) When I was seven I pawned my mom’s diamond engagement ring so I could buy all the Now & Later’s I wanted. Sorry Mom!

6) I suffer from wake apnea.

7) Whenever I visit New York City I wear shin guards under my pant legs. I think you’re reckless if you don’t too.

8) I spent ten years studying the ancient martial art of squirrel kung fu. Rather than power, the art focuses on speed and agility and always being on the other side of a tree from your opponent. As a side note I never feel safe when visiting New Mexico.

9) I hold a Class II certification in aerial mooring. Got a blimp? I can tether it for you!

10) I’m a believer in nonviolence so I’m not proud of this, but I once punched my way out of a paper bag.

11) I’m surprisingly good at sneaking up on people named George.

12) I hold seven patents on improvements to sliced bread, but in twenty years I have yet to find a baker with the vision and courage to implement my innovations.

13) I hired a college kid on Fiverr to make this list.